the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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