Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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