best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
