Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
