So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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