omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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