I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize