Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
