oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
