I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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