Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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