When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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