Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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