If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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