You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I need to stop coming to work sober
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
