I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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