it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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