The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
