Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
