yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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