Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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