unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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