the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
