if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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