I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize