Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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