I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
