DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
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