I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
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