Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
