I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize