saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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