Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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