i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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