watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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