i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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