How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
