I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
