you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize