Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
