Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
