wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
be right there i have to get my cape
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
