i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Success! We fucked roommates!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
