She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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