Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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