sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
