I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
