I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize