Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
COCAINE IS GR8
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize