I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
