You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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