I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
