Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize