I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
