I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
