I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
