who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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