So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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