I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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