I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
