the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
