You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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