Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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