I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
