just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize